Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller