GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol