Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
ibopfufen
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Dietest Coke
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?