Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
i did the math
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!