Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
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While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?