Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.