GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You Might Also Like
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
NASA has no chill
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*pokes sex life with a stick
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars