[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool