[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]