Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

December birthdays be like…

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂