[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind