H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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i meant to share this earlier
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Does this dress make me look cat?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
True statement👍😏😁
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…