H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
You Might Also Like
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby