@duumb Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
@LackOfShame H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
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@duumb 
@1AIMMadellynne I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
@KeetPotato me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
@RodLacroix One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@Jerk_Martin “Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
@notacroc DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
@TheRolo [Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
@LurkAtHomeMom If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
@LostFelicia Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
@BruceForce I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.