H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.