H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.