H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
2022: I can fix it
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?