H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
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The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”