@danfishbach Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
@PinkCamoTO H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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@danfishbach 
@BondJohnBond The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
@palokin Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
@dafloydsta INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
@The_Sculptress I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
@Book_Krazy Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
@itsBABYSMITH the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
@bencoffeehall If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
@jonnysun “evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
@GatorsDaily When you “pspspsp” too hard
