@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

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@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@BondJohnBond

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

@itsBABYSMITH

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

@bencoffeehall

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted