H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer