H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀