H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
This is my cat’s medicine.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Beware of the dog..
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
just make the entire table out of coaster
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?