H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair