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[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did