Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Twitter fine art
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
When you’ve simply given up.
My background check bounced.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none