Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
You Might Also Like
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
moms in horror movies
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Catercrombie & Fish
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.