Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s