@LumpyLouish

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

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@smithsara79

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@piques15

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

@mom_ontherocks

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

@KateWhineHall

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@noog

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@leapeajo

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying