Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”
Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying