Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man