hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
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If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
nice challenge
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?