Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Friends that check up on you >
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Harsh but fair
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis