Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.