Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.


Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.


The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”


People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.


An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.


Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.


Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors


Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.