Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
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“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.