Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.