Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
You Might Also Like
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.