Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My Guy
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH