Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
You Might Also Like
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.