Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Did…did a minotaur write this
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.