Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
fr
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall