Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
this will hang in the louvre one day
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Husband of the year 😂
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”