Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”