Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”