@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

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@KimmyMonte

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@Cornjerker78

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

@Julian_Deane

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@TheToddWilliams

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

@Dawn_M_

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

@caithuls

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

@jessiejess1228

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.