Had a spot of bother earlier.
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[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
$3 #books
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.