Had an epiphany today.
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
plums roundup
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
this chia pet tastes awful
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.