Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
prepare for carbonated trouble
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”