HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.