Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
You Might Also Like
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.