@VerbsRProudest

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

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@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@Erin1137

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

@JohnHilsen

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@Amester222

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

@krisv_723

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.