@mashyboo be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
@VerbsRProudest Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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@mashyboo 
@Erin1137 People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
@KimmyMonte by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
@Metalligretch It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
@JohnHilsen The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
@hansabumsadaisy #rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
@ErrenMichaels [a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
@Amester222 “I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
@krisv_723 I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
@Metalligretch I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.