Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time