had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
