Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Sing it!
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using