Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”