had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
You Might Also Like
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?