Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”